I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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