I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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