Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
