That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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