Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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