I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
