He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
