While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Im part way to drunk.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
