please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
