How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
