That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
