so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
