and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
