I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
