yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
