Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
