My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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