Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
