Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
