So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You took a bar mat shot.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
