I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
