Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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