I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
