hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
