Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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