I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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