stop calling my apartment porn island.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
