Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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