A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
