I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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