My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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