I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
