This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
