glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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