My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
