I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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