If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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