i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
