remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
