I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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