Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
