She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
