toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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