I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
