Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
