What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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