Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
