I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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