i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
