I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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