I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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