ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
