My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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